The Misfit Mom’s Fabulous Flab Reducer

by Priscilla on July 13, 2013

originally written circa 2008

The other day the tagline on Yahoo! read something along the lines of “Celebrity Moms Reveal Baby Weight Loss Secrets.” Please, there are no secrets to celebrity moms losing weight. They are called personal trainers, personal chefs, personal nannies and personal shoppers. Add those four personal “secrets” together and you come up with no personal post pardum flab.

I don’t begrudge my fellow moms their six pack abs six weeks after delivery. Just don’t try to package it in a neat little “this can work for you too, Mommy” self help book or magazine article.

How about publishers for once making room at the big table of diet books for one more plan from a real live mother living in the real world surrounded all hours of the day by her real live children and only her real live children? Splash in a few revealing photos of stretch marks tastefully done by what’s her name – the photographer in the middle of Ms. Miley’s Vanity Fair Fiasco – and you have yourself a best seller.

In fact, I here and now I submit Misfit Mom’s Fabulous Flab Reducer. Granted my way takes four years instead of four months, but who are you to judge my possible ability to inspire 439 women and pocket a cool $2500 in the process?

Sample Daily Menu (all meals are eaten standing over the sink. It is a fact that standing burns twice as many calories and you are there all day scrubbing sippy cups, water bottles and travel mugs anyway so what’s the point of sitting down.)
Breakfast – four pieces of crusts of toast, 2 ounces of orange juice (left in little Sophie’s princess sippy cup and 1 pot of coffee. Total calories 57

Midday Snack
Five pretzels found in car seat after dropping Seth off at preschool. 1 Pot of coffee. Total calories 8

Lunch
One chicken nugget and two bites of mac and cheese eaten off child’s plate as well as one spoonful of all natural applesauce and the five frozen peas that didn’t quite make it into the microwave steamer. Total calories possibly 150

Midday Snack
This one is tricky. Midday is the princess turns into a bear as she is awakened to pick up older brother Seth at preschool, then the whole gang is hauled onto both elementary and middle schools to pick up two more older siblings who must then be shuttled to piano lessons and swim team practice. You eat what they eat, string cheese, flavored water out of some kind of metallic pouch and the last of the grapes your children have by the looks of things chewed directly off the vine. 87 calories,

Dinner – Some kind of crock pot concoction served with salad and instant crescent rolls. (Sorry no starch free dieting allowed. The kids would starve what with no spaghetti, potatoes or mac and cheese). Tap water washes it all down. You are already at the sink anyway, right? Total calories 600 – inevitably you will cave and eat a second roll. After all, you can’t waste food.

This brings your total caloric intake for the day to 902. Since most physicians agree that adult women trying to lose weight at the healthy rate of two pounds per week should keep their calories between 1200-1600 a day, congratulate yourself. You are well on your way to complete exhaustion as well as anemia.

3 a.m. feeding. 1 pint Chunky Monkey (I never said it was the baby’s 3 a.m. feeding did I?) 3,489 calories.

Never fear. Next I will share with you my exercise secrets. I promise you can burn off that sinful nighttime dalliance faster than you think.

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