If You Give Our Mom Some Mustard

by Priscilla on October 5, 2012

Talented children’s author, Laura Joffe Numeroff, and equally talented illustrator, Felicia Bond, teamed up to create a wonderful children’s book series centering around a few animals exhibiting symptoms like those associated with Attention Deficit Disorder.  These mammals enter a young child’s life and wreak havoc with their minute attention spans, taking a solitary event (like giving a pig a pancake or offering a muffin to a moose) and creating more messes than one can imagine.  “Finally,” I thought upon my first read, “Literary heroes with which I can identify!”


My two daughters are showing promise in the areas of writing and illustrating. (One tells outlandish stories when caught at the scene of a crime, and the other draws murals in her ketchup.)  I surmise that if they collaborate on a book someday based upon their observations of their mother’s every day life, it will turn out something like this:


If You Give Our Mom Some Mustard


If you give our mom some mustard,

Inevitably, it will end up all over her new white t-shirt.


So she will groan, march upstairs to the laundry room, disrobe,

And then not remembering whether to use bleach, vinegar or soda, hot or cold water, she will go to the computer to google “mustard stains.”


Her google result will bring up a recipe for “honey mustard glazed chicken breasts,” and she will think, “Hmmm chicken, that sounds good for dinner.”


Going downstairs to take some chicken out of the freezer to thaw, she will be startled by the doorbell.  The UPS man will be equally startled by the woman opening the door wearing only a bra and very old sweatpants.


Mortified, our mom will grab the box, slam the door and runs upstairs to put on the clothes society and UPS delivery personnel deem appropriate for answering doors.  After finding a shirt, she will notice her closet is too full of clothing she will never wear again. So she will pad down to the linen closet to grab some trash bags and start her Goodwill collection.


But the linen closet will also contain the medicine chest.  “Hmmm she will ponder, I wonder if the Children’s Tylenol has expired?”  Checking the dates, she will realize it has.


“Come one kids,” she will shout grabbing her coat and keys.  We’ve got to go to the store for some medicine.”


The store will offer so much more than medicine.  There are hanging flower baskets, and Easter candy at 75% off.  After paying $38.79 for what was to be only one bottle of Tylenol and loading up the car, our mom will realize the car’s gas gauge is blinking “E.” So she will drive to the gas station and while pumping…


She will smell the aromas from the fast food restaurant across the way and notice it is almost time for supper, and all she has prepared is half a frozen chicken. She will top off the tank, pay the bill and make her way through traffic over to the drive-thru where she will guiltily order an unhealthy dinner for her hungry family. 


At home after feeding the kids, the dogs, the husband and the three guinea pigs, our mom will sit down to eat her own chicken sandwich.  But she will need some mustard.


And if you give our mom some mustard….

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